This post contains the word "awkward." A lot.

I’m awkward. Chances are, you already know that. I mean, the blog is called Awkward Gal. And that’s for a reason. But I’m fully aware of how awkward I am—almost too aware sometimes, because then I fret about how awkward I am and that makes me even more awkward.

It’s a vicious cycle.

But one of my biggest weaknesses and confidence-deterrents is also a constant sort of amusement for me. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll tell you that I have a pretty darn good sense of humor about all of my awkwardness. I’m not putting myself down by calling my blog “Awkward Gal,” I’m honestly in on the joke. (Also, note that I tried to call my blog Awkward Girl, but that was taken by someone who hasn’t updated in years. But isn’t “gal” a kind of awkward, out-of-date word? It fits.) I’m usually the first to call myself out when I do something awkward. I laugh about it—a lot.

But people I don’t know very well don’t know how to react when I call myself “socially awkward.” Their first instinct is always to turn on that consoling denial mode… “No you’re not! You’re totally not! You’re just – you’re not awkward!”

Hey. I get it. You don’t want to hurt my feelings. But really, I am. I’m awkward. I’m okay with it. You can be okay with it too. Laugh about it with me, tease me about it, call me out on it. I mean, don’t be cruel, obviously, I am rather self-conscious, but if I say something that’s slightly uncomfortable and follow it up with “well, that was awkward,” you can agree. I promise I won’t hate you for it.

Well, probably.

But most people (even my family and close friends) aren’t necessarily 100% aware of all of my weird traits and thought-processes and everything that goes into my self-diagnosed social anxiety. But don’t you worry, I’ve been working on a list. So, without further ado, here are some of the prime examples of what makes me awkward, weird, anxious, and well, me:

I laugh at inappropriate times. And then I can’t stop laughing. Often to the point where my shoulders shake and I have to literally bite down on my fist to stop. This has happened on more than one occasion in church, meetings, and in any case where someone trips and falls.

I never know what to do with my hands. When another person is in my vicinity, I become self-conscious about what my hands are doing. Do I look weird with them just hanging by my sides? Yes, I look weird. Maybe I should cross my arms. No, now I look standoffish. One hand on my hip? Nope, too much attitude. Back down by my sides. Now I look like an orangutan. This is weird. I need something to hold. Seriously. The whole time you’re talking, I’m freaking out about what my hands are (or aren’t) doing. Sorry about that.

I’m indecisive, not because I don’t know what I want (I usually do), but because I don’t want to make a decision and have someone else feel like they have to do it because it’s what I want. Call it middle child syndrome (I’m a peace-keeper), but I become strangely paranoid that others really don’t want to do what I suggested, but they’re doing it to appease me. So I either just make others be the deciders or I apologize profusely.

Okay, that leads into another one. I just apologize all the time. I think it’s a combination of awkwardness and Catholic guilt that makes me feel bad about everything, but either way, I can’t stop saying “sorry.” Even when it’s not my fault.

On multiple occasions, I’ve hidden out in the bathroom at social events. True fact, guys. Usually, these are events that I was forced to go to (for work or other similar reasons) and I don’t know anyone, so rather than stand by the snack table (All of this looks good! I’ll get some of everything. No, that makes me look like a pig. I’ll just pick one or two things. Ugh, now other people can see me eating. Am I a weird eater? I bet I’m a weird eater.), I’ll go into the bathroom and text friends and wait it out.

Because of that, I always try to confirm ahead of time that someone I know will be there, and what time they’ll arrive, and where they’ll sit/stand/meet me, and pretty much every stalker-ish detail I can, just so that I can appear to confidently know where I’m going and not have to stand by myself (or hide in a bathroom) looking like the complete weirdo I am, but don’t want strangers to know about. I’m not one of those people that can just casually saunter into a crowded party and strike up a conversation with someone that I maybe met once before. Oh no. No way. If I get somewhere and the person I was supposed to meet texts me to say they’re running late, I will wait in my car. Honest to goodness. There are few things I hate more than arriving before anyone I know. And when that happens… well, time to organize my purse!

When someone is talking to me, I spend most of the conversation concerned with whether I’ve nodded and said “right” too many times, and if it’s now time to mix it up with “exactly.” Combine this with my weird hand issues, and it’s a surprise I hear anything anyone ever says.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I will become incredibly self conscious about the way I walk. Am I bouncing too much? I feel like I’m bouncing. What was that weird twitch my leg just did? Oh, God, everyone is staring at my weird walk.

Using the phone? Fugettaboutit. I hate using the phone. Okay, I don’t mind talking to people I know, but picking up the phone to call a stranger? I need a full on pep talk/pump up moment. My heart races, my hands shake, I usually have to go in another room and close the door… it’s ridiculous at my age.

I have no confidence in any decision, even if it doesn’t have any effect on anyone else. Recent example: my boss came around the office to offer leftover cookies from a meeting. HUGE cookies. He was holding the plate in front of me and I reached in and grabbed a whole one, only to have everyone after me just take a half. So then I panicked over my decision and felt like a total glutton.

As my (rather lengthy) tagline proclaims, I drift off in conversation all the time. For some reason, I tend to be overlooked (probably due to the lack of confidence issue stated above), so with alarming frequency, when I talk, I’ll realize quickly that no one heard me. So I just drift off. Sometimes I make an awkward mumbling noise.

I just say awkward things. A lot. My brain works in such a way that I usually think after I speak, so I’ll just say weird shit and then realize about 2 seconds too late that I just made everyone in the vicinity really uncomfortable. Complimenting a random guy I barely know on his haircut? Yup, awkward.

Similarly, because my mouth moves faster than my brain (and because I can be a little too agreeable), I accidentally lie sometimes. Not big stuff, but little things, like someone will proclaim, “I LOVE this band/show/movie!” and I’ll immediately blurt out “Me too!” even though I really don’t. Sometimes I have no clue what they’re even talking about, but I just professed my love, so it’s a little late to back out. Story of my life.

Okay, I think I could keep going, and I’m sure others could chime in. But I’m going to leave the list there, before this gets sad. And weird. Which it probably already did.

Sorry.